Bitch. A Women’s Anthem courtesy of Meredith Brooks and Shelly Peiken

When my husband and his brother made the decision to partner and start the beer company I was pregnant with my third child Adalyn. If you have ever been pregnant or merely spent five minutes with a pregnant woman you know they are not the most emotionally stable people on the planet. FYI unless you like having things thrown at your head you don’t tell a pregnant women she is acting crazy. After the birth of my second child for some unknown reason my friends and family felt the need to share with me how mean and bitchy I was while pregnant. Even though they always made sure to point out that my mean nature was due to hormones, it really hurt my feelings. I made the mistake of trying to tell Kevin how hurt I was when a women I greatly admired and looked up to had mentioned out of the blue that I was a “real bitch” with my last pregnancy. I didn't even get a chance to tell him how it made me feel before he said “You were a mega bitch. I am glad it wasn’t just me and I was not the one to tell you that” No one wants to be called a bitch, except maybe a female dog. I couldn’t argue that I wasn't a bitch because I probably was, I just wanted someone else that was important in my life to validate to me that I wasn’t a bitch and that is not who I am now or before. When I found out that I was pregnant with Adalyn all I could think of in the back of my mind throughout the pregnancy was “don’t be a bitch , don’t be a bitch, don’t be a bitch” I would love to tell you that it worked…I was still a bitch and mega bitch the last week. Many women after having children go on a rollercoaster of emotions they have all these hormones making you cry one min. and laugh the next and you always feel on the verge of insanity. You find a way to just do enough to get done the things that life demands, but doing it without heart. I had breast fed my first two children for over a year. On month four with Adalyn I was struggling. I wasn’t struggling to produce milk. I had enough to feed a third world country. I was struggling because everything I did do was for someone else. I had people and these little creatures I created wanting and needing me and all I wanted to do was just crawl in my bed ,pull the blankets over my head and just sleep. My dream world was such a better place. In my dream world I could fly, be a movie star, and best of all 6 inches taller and rocking the body of a Victoria Secret model. My heart should have been filled with love, instead it was filled with guilt and sadness. I felt guilty for feeling guilty because I have friends who have lost babies, lost marriages, lost homes, and I had all that. I felt guilty for not wanting to breast feed for another 6 months . I felt guilty for not being the Mom I wanted to be. I felt guilty for going back to work. I didn’t feel like I had enough to give and even deserved to be loved. I didn’t know how to get out of this dark destructive place I found myself in. Kevin knew I was struggling and was supportive doing all he could to help me, but I was lost. It took my black lab Abby who had been by my side for the most important and worst moments of my life and my female friends to lift me back on my feet. They brushed me off, wiped away my tears, and gave me a swift kick in the ass.

My 15 year old lab despite the fact it took her a few seconds to stand up in the morning and spent more hours sleeping than awake was still always looking out and protecting me. Kevin was gone off brewing beer in northern VA for a few days and when Kevin was gone my sweet dog would lay outside my bedroom door. She usually slept in her bed in the living room. Abby was there to protect what she loved the most and guard it with her life. I got up in the wee hours of the morning after feeding the baby and on my way to the kitchen I passed my sweet lab laying outside my door and she looked up at me and laid her head back down it was in her brown eyes I saw the value in me. In her eyes I saw love. I sat down in the floor and put her head in my lap and stroked her soft ears that felt the same way as when she was a puppy. She just wanted to be with me I was hers . She was still with me at an age beyond what most large dogs live. She was still here for me because she knew I needed her. A thought hit me. It was like running smack into a something you didn’t see and falling on your ass and looking up to see what the hell got in your way and you see yourself . I was the reason I was not happy. My own feelings of guilt and taking off hand comments to mean more than what they were meant to be ,light hearted comment on women and how crazy they are pregnant, was causing my pain. A conversation with a dear friend the next day brought even more clarity of how irrational my thoughts had been when I was telling her about my guilt of not wanting to breast feed anymore. She said to me the following “Nikki Adalyn doesn’t love you because you stick a boob in her mouth”. Ahhh. The gray cloud that had been following me around seemed to blow away. She was right. My dog, my boys, my husband, my brother, my mom, my friends etc. loved me and wanted to be with me for me. I made the call to the doctor because I knew the funk I was in was do to hormonal imbalance and irrational overacting. I finally found the value in me and that I had three little souls that were a part of me. Anyone can do the basics and keep kids alive just like anyone can feed a dog. In order have life that is filled with love, laughter, respect, joy, and happiness you have to earn it by giving it. My dear sweet Abby went on to live another year to a point in my life and hers that we could let go of our physical bond. Love it never dies, just changes. I know Abby is around just like I know my Dad and others who I have left this world around because you can feel the love deep in your soul. That is what I pull from now when I run into myself now and fall on my ass. I look at life thru others perspectives and their eyes of love.